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All I want is to be left alone

yet forced to share space with them.

I can not leave.

I can not disappear.

I can not eschew responsibilities.

Yet escape sometimes is possible

if I break my own rules

and let them have electronics

even when their time is up

only so I can get some peace.

This disruption

is causing great anxiety

and its only been a few days.

It is a good thing I believe in myself

and also have electronics to divert me.

Hands off!

My body!

My rules!

If I want the cuddles

I’ll let you know.

Until then,

Leave my behind alone!

Life is throwing more curve balls than normal

The latest was out of left field.

Everything cancelled.

No contact with outside people.

Self isolation to be imposed.

Government officials all making useless statements.

Politics still interfering.

Basics are met.

Can survive technically

but mentally

I wonder what I’ll look like

when the crisis is finally over.

My mind is filled with excuses.

I have statements that are meaningless.

There are emotions that embarrass me still.

Phrases float by half remembered.

Music sometimes plays and I can’t figure out how to turn it off.

Headaches make the focus harder to accomplish.

Then

There are the days of impossible imaginations

Wondering about all the “what if’s”.

You already know

And yet he won’t stop

Do you deserve this behaviour?

He won’t stop

Telling him

A

Only makes him

Repeat himself stronger

Harsher

And more obnoxiously.

Good thing he is a friend

And you can mock him later for this horrible sneer.

Thrown from your weekend rest

It discombobulates your thoughts.

A shiver runs through your body

As your eyes try to refocus.

The words confuse and frustrate

While you simply sit and listen.

How do you continue

When the news shatters your soul.

Demeanours change

And when you look up

The eyes of the child are wet.

When the phone drops from your hand

And falls beside you.

Mental capacity hardly works

As my annoying friend keeps bothering me.

No driving for me.

Hopefully rest when home is achieved.

I look in the mirror

and utter such nonsense to myself

seeking to play down my embarrassment.

Meanwhile the words

continue to loop

and I begin to believe they are truth.

Fearing the worst

I conjecture how stupid I am

and all the horrible things I did.

Not just today

but all days

and even ones I have not gone through yet.

I can not keep telling myself

that I am ugly

or stupid

or fat

or a waste of space

or not worthy to exist.

These thoughts must stop

or I will continue down this road further

and further

until

one day

I will only regret

everything

I ever did.

Reading the eyes

or the lips

when they are trying to withhold information

can be confusing

and invalid.

People tell their version of the truth

and that is all they see

so sometimes

it is not worth the time

or effort to lift their mask

and see who is truly underneath.

Unless the mirror stands before you.

I want to pay my rent

but I don’t need to.

I want to eat healthy

but I don’t need to.

I want to have nice clothes

but the old ones falling apart will do.

I want to send my kids to school

but I could try to let them be truants for awhile.

I want to be a good parent

but I don’t need to be,

apparently anyone can be a parent.

It is merely whether you have the money

to afford them before

society deems you incapable

and takes them away.

Either through force

or disease

or poverty.