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What’s wrong with you!

Stop being lazy!

Just get up and go do it!

What are you waiting for?

How come you’re not working?!

….

I am working.

I know what is wrong with me.

I am not lazy.

I can not just get up and do it.

I’m not waiting, I’m healing.

…

Yet never is it enough.

Unless my work is what they think I should be.

It is never enough to be strong mentally.

It is never a choice between being healthy physically

or shut down because of mental trauma.

…

They do not realize they have traumatized me.

They do not understand.

They care about my future

but miss what is happening in the present.

In order to heal, I must come to terms with my past

…

I fight with them because they do not see me.

I argue in order to prove I am right.

I know I can not change them.

Yet, I still try.

Perhaps someday I will learn to love myself.

With or without them.

The house will fall.

Mirrors shatter inside.

Windows break

As the tears leak out.

Shudders run through

as the façade crumbles.

My beating heart

falters as the ghosts gain purpose.

I can not control

what is left of my sanity

and what was built around me

destroys itself

as I flail in cold loneliness.

It has stopped.

The pain.

The discomfort.

The embarrassment.

The feeling of ugliness.

Comfort zone broken.

Time to retreat

and wait for another day.

Heat up the sky.

Drench the fields.

I wile away my time

Asleep at the wheel.

The little man’s gold

will never be mine

For as long as I live

Bad luck surely climbs.

Still I dream

and hope and pray

someday

oh forever

that someday.

The second time is worse.

The first an ordeal.

I wonder who will be the third.

I appreciate all that they do

and so wish

I do not have to see them

ever again.

A toast with raisins.

Coffee splashed aside.

Suits stained.

Ichor revised.

Bombings complete.

Sunrise dies.

Who shall we sustain

when leaders are blind?

Chicken bones for the stock.

Onions and garlic.

Assorted vegetables

whatever is available.

Maybe rice?

Or pasta?

or potatoes to fill it out.

Flavours brought out by herbs

or other spices.

Last the meat.

Whether real

or plant protein

it will be the basis of tonight’s meal.

Hungry yet?

Like Cilantro

you either love it

or

you hate it.

In this house

we can never

have enough

of the wonderful

stinky

bulb!

Sleep seems so innocent.

Except when you want it so badly

that everything

you do is mired

in slow tired movements.

Yet to go

back to bed

requires your brain

to let go

and these days

it fills my heart

with every

anxiety persistent threat

I have ever known.

Fantasies impure.

Impulses firing.

Strength disappearing.

Lust rising.

Delusions of emotions.

Happy Corporate

give Chocolates Away day.

Sentimentality not withstanding.