I know he is not angry
He is frustrated at the situation.
My brain
Late at night
Turns to telling me
He is disappointed and mad at me.
So I try to turn the rhetoric back upon itself.
I will try to keep those thoughts
As reminders to get through this time
But in no way,
Can I allow them to overwhelm me.
A chess set.
A mini picnic.
Remote control.
Dolls for worrying.
Things that all fir in a pillowcase.
As a child
If we had to go to the city
My father as a treat
As the evening came
Would drive slowly through neighbourhoods
So we could look at all the displays
Before going home.
To this day
I find joy
In the simple brilliance
Of a Christmas display lit up.
Choices I have made.
The skills I have learned.
Reactions from those I care about.
The quality of my life going forward.
My dreams and wishes.
I have had to give up on so many of my dreams
because of this…
because of that…
Life got in the way.
I am not giving up.
My course has changed directions.
Water is the key to life.
We all need it to survive.
Funnily enough
even though there is water frozen outside
this winter feels so dry.
Thankfully the humidifier has arrived.
The voice says
horrible, ugly things.
Things heard every day.
All day.
For all my life.
I know what the voice says
is not true.
Yet, still I hear it
and try to push against it.
Maybe one day
I will have a different
kinder voice.
One that I would like to hear.
Even if it is quiet now,
I know it is in there.
Pain broken voice.
Tears finally allowed to release.
Heart hurting because of truth.
Doubt, guilt and uncertainty
still trying to keep their footholds.
Seeing them
and realizing
you are still that kid
who just wanted to know
they were loved.
That they were seen.
Trying to find new ways
of accepting what is past is gone.
Someday, someday it will come.
The times.
When all I am,
is existing.
I have found
those who care for me.
Even when I do not
understand
why.
Motorized gliders.
Steel ships.
Horseless carriages.
Electronic bikes.
Interactive wheelchairs for the severely disabled.
Now we just need to make everything accessible.
I have come to terms
that I will always expect
that things will work out in the end.
Whether I work towards something or not
My problems will resolve themselves
and new ones will appear.
The consequences of my actions
are not always what I want
but I will accept them
despite any peevishness.
Saturn's Premier Poet 