Poetry

I wish it weren’t so.

She terrorizes him

and we can’t figure out her triggers.

Anytime I acknowledge getting hurt

she tears after him, as if he was the one who hurt me.

He is not allowed in certain parts of the house.

She keeps him from enjoying playtime.

Sigh.

Thin tubes that lay against the bottom of the door.

Stops the draft of cold air from outside.

If only I could do that to every crack in the door

I would be a happier person.

Also warmer.

Valid.

Day.

Shone.

If I understand

Then why do you not?

I am not here for you.

I am who I am.

You are you.

So this day

I shine with my validation.

I never visit.

I never call.

When I do

We fight.

You are racist.

You are bigoted.

I do not like these things.

I know your memory fails.

You mobility is compromised.

I understand you religious ideology.

I just do not agree with it.

I love you.

I’m finding I do not always like you.

There are too many instances

in my life

where I am embarrassed or hurt.

None of them

seem significant.

Yet, my fear is the one thing I could never control.

Fear of failure,

of looking stupid

or simply making mistakes.

Yet all of those instances

have made me stronger.

I am who I am today

because I failed yesterday.

Tomorrow, I may not succeed

but at least I know

I’ll have tried my best

and someday,

someday

I will succeed.

I have gone past that point

where I am more capable and competent.

Yet, there are days

when going back to something simple

just feels right.

Soothing.

It shows me how much progress I have made.

Then when I am done

I am spurred on to do better the next time!

You are worthless…

at hurting others.

You are dumb…

when those comments come out.

You should do more…

self care and loving yourself.

You are ugly…

when you are mean and spiteful.

You are not pretty…

when you are shut down.

Your smile is beautiful.

You are very kind and loving.

You are more than those negatives would have you believe.

Nothing.

If I could tell my younger self something

she needed to hear

it would be nothing.

All the pain.

All the drama.

The heartache, the trauma

and the joy, the memories, the delight found.

I know she would not have listened

because even now

there are things in my heart

that contradict what my head says.

Though I suppose I might say,

you will survive

and you won’t do it alone.

There are many things I can do.

I can hold down a job.

I have raised three kids.

I knew when to leave a bad marriage.

I can survive.

Yet doubt tells me

I should be working on getting a new job.

I will never be a good enough parent.

I let myself fail my marriage.

I survived but I am not thriving.

So, why this duality of mind?

I know I am capable yet I still tell myself I am useless.

My heart wants love but my mind tells me I do not deserve it.

Even if it is self love.

I have lived this long.

I have survived.

Trauma has happened

but I recognize it did

and am working towards a balanced heart.

I hurt myself with daily doubt.

So, I need to find the peace that dwells inside.

After taking care of others

I realize I also need to take care of myself.