Poetry

People coming over.

House to be cleaned.

Food to be prepared.

Clothes to be nice.

Social small talk.

Exhaustion afterwards.

Still cleaning up to be done.

I have no joy in this task.

So please do not ask me to host.

One path started.

Obstacles littered in the way.

Trying to get past them.

Learning to overcome them costs much.

Then a single offshoot

becomes the main route

for it tells of why those obstacles were there

and why they should not have been.

So instead of the regular stones and tree branches,

Mud and rain slow down the progress

because society does not see me

past my disabilities,

merely for what value I might offer it

in the standard way.

When I try to argue my value is not there

More dirt is thrown in front of me

and I have to keep moving from the blizzard that was created.

I have learned this behaviour.

My brothers took advantage of my gullibility.

I used to believe everything I was told.

I would take someone’s word as truth.

To others I would spout what I had been told.

They would question this opinion.

To often I would have no answer to their opposing opinion.

So I have had to learn to listen

and think

and check the story being told

and then see if it is one I deem worthy enough for me to share.

I know he is not angry

He is frustrated at the situation.

My brain

Late at night

Turns to telling me

He is disappointed and mad at me.

So I try to turn the rhetoric back upon itself.

I will try to keep those thoughts

As reminders to get through this time

But in no way,

Can I allow them to overwhelm me.

A chess set.

A mini picnic.

Remote control.

Dolls for worrying.

Things that all fir in a pillowcase.

As a child

If we had to go to the city

My father as a treat

As the evening came

Would drive slowly through neighbourhoods

So we could look at all the displays

Before going home.

To this day

I find joy

In the simple brilliance

Of a Christmas display lit up.

Choices I have made.

The skills I have learned.

Reactions from those I care about.

The quality of my life going forward.

My dreams and wishes.

I have had to give up on so many of my dreams

because of this…

because of that…

Life got in the way.

I am not giving up.

My course has changed directions.

Water is the key to life.

We all need it to survive.

Funnily enough

even though there is water frozen outside

this winter feels so dry.

Thankfully the humidifier has arrived.

The voice says

horrible, ugly things.

Things heard every day.

All day.

For all my life.

I know what the voice says

is not true.

Yet, still I hear it

and try to push against it.

Maybe one day

I will have a different

kinder voice.

One that I would like to hear.

Even if it is quiet now,

I know it is in there.

The times.

When all I am,

is existing.

I have found

those who care for me.

Even when I do not

understand

why.