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There are too many instances

in my life

where I am embarrassed or hurt.

None of them

seem significant.

Yet, my fear is the one thing I could never control.

Fear of failure,

of looking stupid

or simply making mistakes.

Yet all of those instances

have made me stronger.

I am who I am today

because I failed yesterday.

Tomorrow, I may not succeed

but at least I know

I’ll have tried my best

and someday,

someday

I will succeed.

I have gone past that point

where I am more capable and competent.

Yet, there are days

when going back to something simple

just feels right.

Soothing.

It shows me how much progress I have made.

Then when I am done

I am spurred on to do better the next time!

You are worthless…

at hurting others.

You are dumb…

when those comments come out.

You should do more…

self care and loving yourself.

You are ugly…

when you are mean and spiteful.

You are not pretty…

when you are shut down.

Your smile is beautiful.

You are very kind and loving.

You are more than those negatives would have you believe.

Nothing.

If I could tell my younger self something

she needed to hear

it would be nothing.

All the pain.

All the drama.

The heartache, the trauma

and the joy, the memories, the delight found.

I know she would not have listened

because even now

there are things in my heart

that contradict what my head says.

Though I suppose I might say,

you will survive

and you won’t do it alone.

There are many things I can do.

I can hold down a job.

I have raised three kids.

I knew when to leave a bad marriage.

I can survive.

Yet doubt tells me

I should be working on getting a new job.

I will never be a good enough parent.

I let myself fail my marriage.

I survived but I am not thriving.

So, why this duality of mind?

I know I am capable yet I still tell myself I am useless.

My heart wants love but my mind tells me I do not deserve it.

Even if it is self love.

I have lived this long.

I have survived.

Trauma has happened

but I recognize it did

and am working towards a balanced heart.

I hurt myself with daily doubt.

So, I need to find the peace that dwells inside.

After taking care of others

I realize I also need to take care of myself.

Growing up

I have so many fond memories.

My parents tried to make things fun.

Stability was never the issue.

I know they loved me and my siblings.

It was the town itself.

Other people

who did not like me.

So I will treasure my memories

but I no longer wish to visit.

Evil lurks within our hearts.

Yet hate must be taught.

Then good also dwells within ourselves.

But must also be taught.

For some doing evil comes easy

and they struggle to be good.

While others find hurting others unquestionable.

Yet, saying no, does not mean you are bad.

It merely means you value yourself

and will help with what you can

not every single time.

The reasons why

are often based on fear.

But things will come out

sooner or later.

When lying becomes a habit

it is really difficult to break.

My daughter is having trouble with this concept.

Details

Attention demanded

Talking over options

Trying to find the agreement

Conclusion found

Headache pills sought

Dark room needed to lie down in

See you in a few hours…. hopefully