Blog

I have no balance.

I do not know how to be content

getting things done

and then doing self-care.

I feel guilty

ignoring the household chores.

I sit in front of the computer

and scroll videos

or play video games.

I have bursts of shame

where I frantically get things done.

Only to find myself

wasting the next day away.

Mouth blisters

in the sun

as I swear

at the jerk

standing in front of me.

Still,

years later

he refuses to listen to me.

Self imposed

deadline.

Work needs to be done.

Make it happen.

I am living in a dream world…

I was hurt once before.

I trusted him.

Years have gone by.

Yet I need to remember the past.

Can I allow this man the chance

To hurt me once again?

Lol.

A response to a person’s message.

How things change.

Keep up with the times.

or you will find me

LMAO.

I was told not to cry.

I would be laughed at while embarrassed.

Anger was forbidden.

Smiles were allowed

and sometimes there was joy.

Growing up I found myself scared of making mistakes

because I never wanted to be punished.

It was the emotional distancing

from my problems that allowed me to survive.

Now, I have to relearn new techniques to cope

and

that crying is not a sign of weakness.

Ideas come.

Some are good to act upon.

Others need to be aired and then denied.

Occasionally, stupid ones are acted upon.

So comes today!

Drugs taken in a safe place.

Users watched over so that no deaths happen.

Migrants that sneak past the border.

Living on borrowed visas.

People make mistakes.

Help them.

Please.

I was brought up to not be selfish.

Be grateful for any gifts given to you.

If you wanted something

you never asked for it.

You needed to buy it yourself.

Now, years later I am learning about self care

and how much of my childhood inhibited it.

I could not look after myself

because it would be selfish of me

and so I burned out

and had nothing left for others.

I wish I could change time

and yet I know

the only time I can change is now.

Selfish I will be when I need recharging.

Selfish I will be when I feel lost and alone.

Selfish I will be because I know

I am worth it!

No one can call me selfish when I take care of myself before them!

I hate him.

I want nothing to do with him.

Yet, for the sake of the children

things are kept civil.

As much as I want nothing to do with him

His presence is still felt in my life.

I resent him.

And his family,

for the trauma I spent in those years.

The aftermath which stills troubles me today.

Therapy helps, but even then

there are things I can only hope I’ll be able to deal with.

My strength can sometimes fail me.