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I go between okay and angry.

My moods fluctuate increasingly.

Where will I lash out next?

My coffee has not been imbibed.

Breakfast has been eaten.

And yet I still want to sleep.

But this time when I wake up

Can I have a perfect world?

No!

But I need you to come with me!

Can we go now?

Now?

Can we go now?

you said we’d go swimming!

Can we go now?

Me, I am exasperated at the relentless enthusiasm.

I patiently explain, again.

After mommy’s had her coffee dear.

I try not to swear.

I try not to yell.

I try to not cry and blubber.

I try to hold it together.

I try not to blame.

Yet a tear soaked “Fuck!”

will always escape.

The young think they are old.

The old want to look young.

Aging gracefully is frowned upon.

How can I replay time?

Memories can not trusted.

And I am thrust in the middle!

I work my shifts

I clean my house

I book all the appointments

I drive wherever I am needed

I focus on my friends and family

The things I do

are important

yet I still feel like a loser

I will never be good enough

or make them proud of me.

I can not be who they want me to be.

I will always make a huge mistake

which may cost me financially or emotionally.

My body will never be beautiful

not like the pictures in the magazines.

I am surrounded by doubt and negativity.

So much it feels like I am drowning!

The worst thing is these perceptions cloud my inner version of me.

Escaping them is not an option

though I will always be battling them!

It assaults the nose.

Brings you to tears.

How to explain it?

It stinks!

Mind snapped

Helter Skelter

Run Amok

Unknowable decisions

Insane Energy

Manic Outbursts

Then nothing

It is so much fun watching the cats play

I cannot decide

if I should hide

these tears I cried

for the awful genocide

of the wrong side

on this world’s tide

of hate that always lied

about ones whom I have tried

to learn and like besides

Why must the others always die?

The morning air is nippy.

The chill makes me wrap my hands

around my coffee more firmly.

You can smell the cold

as the leaves already start to turn colour.

Summer is already too short.

A few more days of shorts weather

… is that too much to ask?