I look forward to seeing new people.
I am terrified I will freeze up.
Or be obnoxious and laugh too much.
This is where masking helped me before.
Except I have been working on unlearning habits that traumatized me.
Now I will go forward and try my best.
I am not quick witted.
I learn quickly.
I do not have a special talent.
Observation is one of my skills.
Empathy is used in most of my communications.
Dodging steps and not tripping is something I have not fully mastered.
I know how to walk upstairs.
In the dark I do not panic, even when fear grips tightly.
I am not stupid.
Conclusion is my perspective is unique and I like that.
Life was working out.
Things were turning around.
My anxieties were being managed.
Then I became overwhelmed by the emotional guilt hurled at me.
This was not supposed to happen!
I don’t know if I can handle it this time.
I barely survived the last ten gruelling years.
Even if it’s for just a few months
What will become of my sanity?
Reasons that make it possible.
Feelings behind the reasons.
Truths that haunt the feelings.
Circumstances that cloud the truths.
Time runs away with circumstantial evidence.
Proud of writing once a day.
Now, I do it occasionally.
All because of where the computer is located.
Forcing myself to do what once came naturally
takes more effort than I can afford most days.
You dread making them.
Startled when they ring.
Procrastination leads down a slippery hill.
Moments of discomfort.
Getting them done can be so hard to do some days.
I did not let the depression win.
I did my errand.
It was important.
At least to me.
Tomorrow brings another bout to fight.
Once as a child
Chasing my older brother
In what I thought was a game
He caught his thumb in the door as I closed it.
I did not realize he was screaming to open the door.
I thought we were still playing.
As a result,
He lost his thumb nail
And it took months for it to grow back.
Now whenever I look at my partially torn thumb nail
I can see his face through the door window.
Covering up.
No blemishes to see.
Everything must be perfect.
To see beneath is a sin.
So colour upon colour.
Layer upon layer.
Soon I will be unrecognizable.
Eyelids want to close.
Heavy is how they feel.
Sleep is calling.
Fight against it
Or let it win?
Sometimes neither choice is a good one.
Saturn's Premier Poet 